Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Foreskin Man Unmasked by Messianic Jewish Sheep Shearer

I received a disturbing letter today from a self-described Jewish Mohel from Toad Suck, Arkansas who is being held prisoner by Foreskin Man, a “superhero”, who's been waging a battle against advocates and practitioners of circumcision.

Foreskin man was recently denounced by the Anti-Defamation League as an anti-Semite masquerading as a humanitarian.  For my non-Jewish readers, a mohel (moyel in Yiddish) is a Jewish man trained in the practice of circumcision.  A proposition is being put forth in California seeking to ban the circumcision of male children, claiming that it's nothing more than involuntary genital mutilation and a barbaric custom.

This letter from a southern brother seems to confirm the charges of anti-Semitism leveled against this Foreskin Man.

Dear Southern Jooish Friend,

M'name is Jimmy Earl Joe ben Canaan, and I rite to you as a prisoner of Foreskin Man, that there so-called "superhero" who's been attackin' all them doctors and mohels for circumcisin' them Chosen Folks in America.

I'm but a simple man born and raised a Christian.  But the Jews always impressed me as a kid – I loved them Yamakahs, the kreplach, and them dreidels, so I leaped into the Mikveh and had mah Johnson snipped.  I became, baruch hashem, an Israelite.

I dwell in the foothills of the Ozarks, in Toad Suck, Arkansas, where I lead a community of Messianic Jews.  They is all Jesus folks wantin’ to live bah all 613 Laws of Moses.  But we ain't got no moyel and no doctor in the hills.  Because I’m a barber bah profession, and 'cause I often'times work as a sheep shearer, they elected me “Mohel Ha-Gadol,” the chief moyel of the Ozarks.  To date I've snipped over 200 youngins, bringin them into covenant with the Lord.

Jimmy Earl Joe ben Canaan
But one day Foreskin Man kicked down mah door, punched out mah doggies and carried me away in a gunny sack.  I'm now his prisoner in his secret fortress.  I smuggled this here letter out usin' a pigeon that flown down into mah cell.

Please tell mah story to the world!  Foreskin Man ain't no liberal hero.  Nufin' but an anti-Semitic Nazi Bastard.  He has a goyishe army of blond haired blue eyed Aryans plannin' to save the world from the so-called peoples of the desert.  And boy wuz I surprised when I saw Foreskin Man comin' out of the shower; the man's been snipped by golly Moses!  His Johnson ain’t a pretty sight and he's a big fat fraud.

If I don't make it, I hereby appoint you them leader of mah community in Toad Suck.  As the voice of Isra-El in Dixie you iz certainly qualified.  Mah only question is - do you own a pair of sheep shears?

Sincerely,

Jimmy Earl Joe ben Canaan, proud Toad Licker, sheep shearer, and a righteous mohel.

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I think, dear readers, we can all agree that this letter is disturbing on many levels.
  

7 comments:

  1. I think it says a lot about the ongoing discussion of the Foreskin Man controversy that Brother Jimmy Earl's message strikes a welcome note of sanity and reason.

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  2. It is blatant from the Lil Abner language that someone is trying to yank your chain. It also reminds of a flavor of piss-take not uncommon in my college days.

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  3. It may yet turn out that FSM is circumcised. Many Intactivists are, they're mad as hell about it and they're not going to take any more. One for example is Blood Sweat & Tears' lead singer Jason Paige, who tells his story here.

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  4. Just goes to demonstrate the stupidiy of members of the human race. I do not think there are rational people out there who truly believe that the rite is abusive. What ever happennd to turn the other cheek, and live and let live.. Stip giving the lunitics a soap box on which to spew their vemon and hatred.

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  5. Thanks, Yid. You are a comic genius, and the rare good hearted man with a sense of humor.
    Your pictures are worth thousands of words.
    Randy Newman would love you...having Jewish kin from Mississippi and Louisiana.
    You make this place a more fun world.

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  6. Thanks, Yid. You are the best and rarest...a good hearted man with a great sense of humor.
    Your pictures are worth thousands of words.
    You make this world a more fun place.

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  7. Thanks! That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in weeks.

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