Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Foreskin Man Steals The Golem’s Prepuce from the Smithsonian

It seems our Jewish friend of clay can’t find rest even in death.

Yosseleh the Golem of Prague’s foreskin was stolen from the Smithsonian Institute last night.  Police were immediately called to the scene.  At first they were baffled by this senseless crime, but my inside sources sent me their short list of suspects:
  • A Jewish mystic who believes he can use the shlong snippet to bring Yosseleh back to life through Kabbalah
  • An anti-Semite who is enraged by the exhibition of any Jewish epidermal memorabilia in the Nation’s capital
  • Madonna, in an act of desperation after her career was destroyed by the Golem's scandalous demise during her concert premiere in Century Village
  • Henry Winkler, because the Semitic foreskin of clay was taking attention away from Fonzie’s revered leather jacket, also housed in this particular display case at the Smithsonian.

But a new suspect quickly emerged, Foreskin Man, the Aryan superhero and savior of shlongs everywhere.  He left his calling card at the scene, which simply reads: "No Foreskin Left Behind."  When the media tracked down the belligerent superhero for a statement, all he had to say was: 

“A Jew of Clay?  Go ahead, make my day!”

He then went off on an anti-Semitic rant worthy of Mel Gibson:

Foreskin Man: Did you hear the one about the Mohel who collected foreskins to make a wallet?  When he rubbed it turned into a suitcase
A Yid in Dixieland: Your point being? You have to admire the Mohel’s creativity.
Foreskin Man: Don’t ya see!  Jews >> ritual slaughter >> wallet & money >> suitcase >> travel and world domination.  Beware Yid.  I ain’t done with Dixie just yet.

Suffice it to say, I will not be inviting Foreskin Man to be a guest blogger…

Foreskin Man has until now been known for kidnapping babies about to undergo the knife. But nobody had thought his crusade extended to collecting the remnants of once distinguished penises.  In fact, the Vatican has demanded that Interpol reopen the investigation into the disappearance of the “Holy Prepuce,” Jesus Christ’s venerated foreskin, which vanished several decades ago.  The Pope had wanted to personally greet the Lord and Savior with his severed appendage upon the Second Coming, to verify that the shoe fits, in a manner of speaking.

Foreskin Man is also utterly lacking in originality, as, the Bible teaches us, he is not the first infamous foreskin collector in history:

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. 
(1 Samuel 18:27)

Incidentally, Fonzie’s jacket was also stolen during the robbery.  Police believe that Foreskin Man swiped it to impress his new girlfriend Vulva Girl, who is apparently embarrassed to be dating a man who parades around wearing tights and a cape.

Foreskin Man impersonating the Fonz to seduce Vulva Girl 


  1. I love foreskin man so much! He's my kind of hero.

  2. Yes, Foreskin Man is awesome.

  3. Is it anti-Semitic to protect children from superstitious adults who mutilate their healthy genitals?

    Go Foreskin Man! You know you're effective when there are so many dimwits trying to parody you (poorly.)

  4. You might be right, James; such parody could be a sign that you're really on to something.

    Or, you know, it could just be that you're totally fucking ridiculous, a perfect example of everything wrong with rich white sheltered college graduates' idea of "activism", and so lacking in perspective besides that you really do think you're fighting to save the world. It could be that the parody has something to do with that, don't you imagine?

    Well, no, you don't, and that's the thing. I used to think guys like you were hustlers -- after all, you've got it made, at least to the extent of not actually having to work for a living, and all you have to do to keep it up is talk a good game. But I'm older now, and I've finally figured out the really scary thing: You're totally fucking serious. Completely, utterly, unequivocally invested in whatever silly-assed passion it is that animates you. I couldn't believe it for the longest time, that epiphany, because who could possibly take themselves that seriously? But it's true, so true in fact that if I call you the militant Quaker that you are, you won't disclaim it because you won't even know what the hell I'm talking about -- you probably even believe the Civil War was about slavery.

    (Actually, you appear to be the guy who wrote Sundown Towns, so I may somewhat slander you on that score -- I haven't read it, but I was impressed by the even-handedness of the reporting on its website. The rest, though, stands; all my contemptuous rants include a severability clause.)

    And just for the record, my cock's got the standard aftermarket mod, and you know what? It works just fine! So maybe it'd work a little better if it were factory standard, but on the one hand, it's not like I can swap it out to compare, and on the other, I don't care anyway because I've got real shit to worry about. You know, stuff that's important, like for a start all the people I know who can't earn a living because there aren't any fucking jobs. But, hey, who cares about poor people, right? They're so coarse, so misguided, so vulgar Fight for those fabulous free-range foreskins, fella!

  5. ...that said, I sure wish to hell I had your kind of free time.

  6. Well put Aaron Em. And in contrast to my meandering Judeo-Cracker satire, let me succinctly summarize your assessment of James Loewen and his peers:

    Self-hating self-righteous bay area bumper sticker liberals who jump on any and all cause without knowing the facts (immigration, Arab-Israeli conflict, and circumcision), because of their sense of liberal guilt for being wealthy and irrelevant.

    I am not rendering an opinion here on any of these issues, but on the half-wits who champion such causes.

    And Loewen's sense of humor is clearly on the level of that with Richard Nixon, Garrison Keillor, and the Ayatollah Khomeini.

  7. Sounds good to me.

    -- Aaron, who honestly believed you had made "Vulva Girl" up out of whole cloth