It seems our Jewish friend of clay can’t find rest even in death.
Yosseleh the Golem of Prague’s foreskin was stolen from the Smithsonian Institute last night. Police were immediately called to the scene. At first they were baffled by this senseless crime, but my inside sources sent me their short list of suspects:
- A Jewish mystic who believes he can use the shlong snippet to bring Yosseleh back to life through Kabbalah
- An anti-Semite who is enraged by the exhibition of any Jewish epidermal memorabilia in the Nation’s capital
- Madonna, in an act of desperation after her career was destroyed by the Golem's scandalous demise during her concert premiere in Century Village
- Henry Winkler, because the Semitic foreskin of clay was taking attention away from Fonzie’s revered leather jacket, also housed in this particular display case at the Smithsonian.
But a new suspect quickly emerged, Foreskin Man, the Aryan superhero and savior of shlongs everywhere. He left his calling card at the scene, which simply reads: "No Foreskin Left Behind." When the media tracked down the belligerent superhero for a statement, all he had to say was:
“A Jew of Clay? Go ahead, make my day!”
He then went off on an anti-Semitic rant worthy of Mel Gibson:
Foreskin Man: Did you hear the one about the Mohel who collected foreskins to make a wallet? When he rubbed it turned into a suitcase
A Yid in Dixieland: Your point being? You have to admire the Mohel’s creativity.
Foreskin Man: Don’t ya see! Jews >> ritual slaughter >> wallet & money >> suitcase >> travel and world domination. Beware Yid. I ain’t done with Dixie just yet.
Suffice it to say, I will not be inviting Foreskin Man to be a guest blogger…
Foreskin Man has until now been known for kidnapping babies about to undergo the knife. But nobody had thought his crusade extended to collecting the remnants of once distinguished penises. In fact, the Vatican has demanded that Interpol reopen the investigation into the disappearance of the “Holy Prepuce,” Jesus Christ’s venerated foreskin, which vanished several decades ago. The Pope had wanted to personally greet the Lord and Savior with his severed appendage upon the Second Coming, to verify that the shoe fits, in a manner of speaking.
Foreskin Man is also utterly lacking in originality, as, the Bible teaches us, he is not the first infamous foreskin collector in history:
Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law.
(1 Samuel 18:27)
Incidentally, Fonzie’s jacket was also stolen during the robbery. Police believe that Foreskin Man swiped it to impress his new girlfriend Vulva Girl, who is apparently embarrassed to be dating a man who parades around wearing tights and a cape.