Monday, April 15, 2013

“There’s a Dongle in my Vagina, and You May Say So, Mr. President.” An Open Letter To Lindy West from the Befuddled White Male Power Structure.

Dear Lindy,

Thank you so much for clearing up the intricacies of proper social discourse in our confusing post-segregation, post-feminist, LGBT-empowerment era, in your article “You Can't Tell the Attorney General She Has an Epic Butt, But Here's What You CAN Do” http://jezebel.com/you-cant-tell-the-attorney-general-she-has-an-epic-but-471311007

As a White heterosexual male I am fully cognizant of my complicity in the deeply entrenched patriarchal hyper-masculine Caucasian power structure which tenaciously objectifies and denigrates the racial and sexual Other, despite our disingenuous claims to have achieved enlightenment and equality.

But alas, I am one of the many confused you speak of, in part because I am a Jewish Canadian who now lives in the Bible Belt. Navigating the waters of American political correctness has often left me befuddled and afraid of talking about boobies and Black people, lesbians and Latinos, Mormons, Muslims, foreskins, and Indians. Canada has legalized gay marriage and we have even had a female prime minister (whose boobies were never an issue for reasons I need not go into), so the rules here may be different. And may I say, your guidance goes a long way.

Now since you have such keen insight into how the hypersexual White male is supposed to interact with “the Other” in the work place, even if this White male happens to be a Black president perhaps you can shed light on proper behavior in our politically-charged racialized society. Although you write about gender issues, your universalist guidelines certainly apply to color as well:

Am I allowed to compliment a Black man on his suntan? Do there exist office space, water cooler rules for that? Can I say, for instance, “Mr. President, your face glows with color from your vacation in Hawaii; nice suntan My Man”? Is that inappropriate? What if I’m at the beach with a Black man and he doesn’t put on suntan lotion?  Can I say “You should put on suntan lotion Mr. President.” Or am I really saying “Hey you may be a Black president, but that doesn’t make you special. On our post-segregation beaches you, Mr. Black man can get burned like the rest of us.” Will this serve as a painful reminder that a mere six decades ago the Black man couldn’t even enjoy the sun at our exclusionary White beaches and country clubs and may not have even known about sunburns?

What if I give the Black man suntan lotion with UVA protection 15 instead of 35? Does this imply that his Nubian complexion offers innate protection that the White man doesn’t have? Am I Othering President Obama by ascribing racial Otherness onto him through a discourse of suntan lotion, thereby underscoring my Whiteness and hence my systemically entrenched hegemony, as Judith Bulter would put it?

If I may quote you, Lindy, you maintain that “if you work in an office and a woman from IT fixes your computer, you may officially go nuts complimenting her on her computer-fixing skills! It is not appropriate, however, to compliment her on her boobs. Unless she fixed your computer with her boobs, in which case, loophole! Ka-ching.”

Well this, as the Talmudic Sages say, raises a question: What if by saying you’ve got a great tan Mr. (Black) President Man, I really mean to say that “your gleaming (Black) color suggests a renewed vigor that will have a positive impact on your agility as Chief Executive, giving you the wherewithal to implement health care reform, gun control, and the repeal of DOMA?” Accordingly, it may follow that Mr. Obama will have fixed this broken country by being even Blacker than before. Black Power and Black is Beautiful. A loophole? Ka-ching?

As a Jewish Canadian who grew up in an insular frigid neighborhood, where I admittedly offended the odd Eskimo who got burned by the midnight sun reflecting off his igloo, I’ve never had the opportunity to meet a Black man with a suntan, let alone complement one on his sub-Saharan skin tone. Now that segregation in Dixie is over and done, I’m eventually going to find myself in the sun with a Black man, and I’m afraid to say the wrong thing. Do you have any insight? Or do you know a Black man with a suntan who may be of help?

Sincerely,

A Yid in Dixieland

P.S. Our IT technician is a Black woman with an MIT degree and a voluptuous body. She has on occasion defragmented my hard drive and tweaked my CPU with an elaborate set of screwdrivers and dongles, all of which she carries with no briefcase, opting to store them in her flexible boobs and unusually large vagina. Her private parts have brought cost reduction and efficiency to the workplace. A loophole! Ka-ching!


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay ... And Nazis!

What do Liberace, Adolf Hitler, and Anne Frank have in common?

They’re all Mormons

Mormons seem to get off on baptizing the dead: Holocaust victims, Nazi war criminals, homosexuals, and Hindus.  Through such acts, the Church of Latter Day Saints is allegedly saving the souls of:

(1)  those in error
(2)  those in error who exterminate those in error
(3)  those in error who have sex with those in error (while playing schmaltzy music)

But such acts of extreme piety are probably surrogate channels for the teetotalling abstemious Mormons: their substitution for the lure of chocolate, coffee, and tobacco, pleasures of the flesh that inevitably lead to pornography, homosexuality, and genocide.  Bringing the sinners to Jesus is, in a manner of speaking, their way of gorging on Three Musketeers while stroking the bishop; popping some cherry cordials, After Eight; smoking a cigar while eating a Big Turk.

Last week the Mormons baptized Anne Frank, for what was, apparently, the 12th time.  They’re into reruns; they’ve jumped the shark.  It seems their well of souls has run dry.

Fortunately, some good Samaritans are now doing their part in helping the Mormons in these times of trouble, returning the favor for having saved the deviants.  And you can help to:

All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay
These folks offer a one step conversion to bring departed Mormons into the Church of Liberace.

All Dead Mormons Are Now Nazis
If they can bring Hitler to their flock, surely their flock can be brought to Hitler.  
Here is what the Temple of Nazification has to offer:

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It is well known that The Church of Latter Day Saints has been posthumously baptizing Nazis, regardless of their genocidal criminality and poorly chosen facial hair.

Why? So they too can experience the Passion of the Savior and reach Blessed Assurance in the world to come where Mormons, Aryans, Jews, and Homosexuals can all frolic with Jesus in their Magic Underwear.™

This hardly seems fair. 

Sadly, many Mormons throughout history have died without having known the true joys of sieg heiling and goose stepping their way through Nuremberg. With your help, these poor souls can now experience the thrill of:

  • Beating up godless Communists
  • Getting their hair trimmed by Hitler's (apparently blind) barber
  • Publicly mocking The French for the sheer joy of it
  • Shtupping fair maidens who will bear Aryan babies to populate the 1,000 Year Reich
  • Playing the national sport "Capture the Fag" (No this isn't a typo)
  • Engaging in healthy competition to be the first to find Ann Frank's hiding place (the winner gets to cut down her tree)
  • And of course, to participate in everyone's favorite pastime - partitioning Poland and burning as much of it as possible 

Here are some testomonials:

  • Brigham Young: "Diese Kristalnacht ist ganz toll!"
  • Joseph Smith Jr.: "Leni Riefenstahl gives good head. I hope she'll agree to be wife # 34."
  • Mit Romney's Father-in-Law: "The chick's hiding in the attic. So where's the tree?"

If you know a dead Mormon in need of Nazification please email us at:



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And there you have it folks.  Mormonism, Homosexuality, and Fascism should not be entered into lightly.  Throw on a Liberace record and munch on a Big Turk while you contemplate which path to salvation is best for you.

Friday, December 9, 2011

The True Meaning of Chrismukkah

Chrismukkah - Bringing Jews, Jesus, and the Holiday Spirit Together


A Yid in Dixieland's Messianic Menorah
Co-Sponsored by JAHB - Jews Against the Hanukkah Bush

Saturday, November 26, 2011